My cousin Richard wanted me to be sure and tell Stretch that today is “Talk Like a Pirate Day.” When he illustrated with an “aarrgh” to teach Stretch how pirates talk, I realized I actually sound like a pirate a lot of days.
Do you have trouble breaking into the so-called “Easy Open” product seals featured these days on everything from—literally—soup to nuts. I can remember the days when you simply brought something like a jar of mayo home from the store, unscrewed the lid and dipped into your sandwich spread.
Now you need pliers, a wrench an industrial cutter and a bit of luck to get into a package. If you have arthritis or any chronic condition that makes it hard to grasp things with your hands, good luck! I’m on a chemo drug that can cause redness and irritation in the hands. One of the instructions they give you is that on the weeks you take the drug, “do not grasp anything firmly so that you have to squeeze the fingers as you would when wielding something such as a screwdriver.” Really? Turning a screwdriver is child’s play compared to wrestling with a food package.
My favorite brand of all natural ice tea comes with a plastic seal on the outside. After you cut this off, the lid is always screwed on tighter than a steel bolt holding up a skyscraper beam. When you finally manage to get it off, there’s a foil seal across the top of the bottle. AARRGH!
The ice tea bottle is tied with the container of a brand of soup I enjoy for the Most Aggravating Package award. It comes in small boxes instead of cans. I thought this was great when I first spotted it on the store shelf. I figured I could open the box, pour out enough liquid for a cup of soup to go with my sandwich and then just close the seal as it indicates and save the rest for the next day. I had no idea they used some new secret formula adhesive no doubt derived from the glue used to seal the hatches on the alien aircraft hidden in Area 51. What invariably happens is I end up trying to cut through the paper with a razor blade (forget scissors, they’re no match for this thick glossy cardboard!) and as I have to hold tight to the box while breaking into it, liquid comes spurting out all over in the process. AARRGH!
I’m sure you have your own list of impossible packaging that you deal with on a regular basis. So at least for today, while we’re wrestling with our food products in a desperate attempt to actually get at some nourishment, we can at least feel we’re celebrating “Talk like a Pirate Day.”
Stretch is enjoying this holiday. He never has to worry about breaking into sealed packages because all his food is delivered to him already prepared on a plate or in a bowl. So he found another way to celebrate. With some help from his new friend Ellie, he dug up a treasure chest filled with valuable historic mementos from the 1893 World’s Fair. I think I’ll go make sure he’s not viewing pictures of the fan dancer “Little Egypt” with that stereoscope .
(Oh, and Richard, he said to tell you “Aarrgh!”)